really coming out with it

i’m uncomfortably aware that i routinely withhold most of the truth about myself when talking to people and when blogging, especially when it comes to my psychic experience. i try to keep what i say about it within what i imagine must be the limits of other people’s tolerance. these limits are difficult enough to discern, since most people will happily humour me while i talk of fairy sightings or encounters with ghosts, space people, or angels for example with feigned belief and warm acceptance without believing a word of it, while others respond with non-committal silence.

of the latter, i might never get to guess what they made of what i said, or they might later give small hints that they did or didn’t believe me. all the same it’s painful, as i remain alienated, kept at arms length, and conversation becomes stilted and strained with careful efforts being made to avoid the subject.

my fairy blog at fairies and elves ––?cq=1 gets a steady stream of visitors, and i daresay some of them believe what i say there, but the stony silence even from them is like a cold brick wall, and i remain alienated from my own species while members of it try to prevent me from further association with the fairies and other extra dimensionals. i believe things that only new agers of the 1980s might nowadays believe. even the paganisms have backed down from actual belief in anything except what ‘normal’ people can ‘rationally’ prove to exist. imo many pagan intellectuals on message boards seem too facile about ‘conceding’ to ‘rationalists’ that their visions and psychic experiences could well be generated as delusion in their own wistful mind, and the best that most of them can do with it is to say that it matters not whether it is real or fantastic, the main thing is how your life responds to the mythos. this is at least sometimes, surely a cop-out, and anyway, it increases the long, lonely distance between seers who can no longer pretend their fairies and elves aren’t real and their fellow pagans.

well, okay, what can be said. i might say i woke up last night to find a space person in my room – the classic ‘grey’ type, with big, dark eyes that look like dark glasses (which i did) and you might or might not believe me. it might place a further strain on your credence if i added that we had a conversation, and although this one was a brief, fragmentary and trivial one, it’s one of a series of long conversations i’ve had with them that have taught me a lot about them. what can anyone say? ‘how interesting, wyverne’, and smile and say, ‘what do you think of england’s chances for the ashes this time?’ and fair enough, what more’s to be said?

but it’s true whether you believe me or not and so i’m beginning this blog in order to say online what i cannot say face to face with anyone i know. the truth will out!

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